Wednesday, November 12, 2008

27 today

My son Ryan is 27 today. As a matter of fact 1 hour and 8 minutes ago he turned 27 exactly. I remember that day like it was yesterday, or last Friday. It is somewhat hard to believe I have a kid that age. Hell he's almost 30! I pray every night for him and all of my family and friends, but him especially. See, he is very lost. Apparently the drugs that he has/does over the past few years have really warped his brain, literally. He is not the same person he used to be. But drugs can and will do that if you take too many too often. I am thankful that he is still alive. There have been many nights I wasn't sure what might happen.

He has been working for his dad (he has an awning business here) for most of the summer but that is about to end. His dad doesn't install many awnings in the winter so things really slow down where he won't need his help. I don't know what he is going to do after that. He has allowed his pickup truck to sit for a few months and I doubt that it will even start. His driver's door won't stay shut. He literally has to hold it to drive and that is very dangerous needless to say. Especially since the truck is a 5 speed so switching gears and holding the door isn't a good combination. I asked his dad to weld the door shut but he hasn't done it yet.

But all I can and will do is pray for him. I refuse to help him in any way other than that. He has used and abused myself and Joe for far too long. I will not allow it to happen again.

So today, even though he turns another year older I will not be seeing my boy. He will spend his birthday without his momma and that is sad, but it is what it is.

But, I do miss him terribly.


Lou said...

My heart is heavy with you. It's just plain sad. I don't try to deny the sad feelings anymore, but
I take some time and just let them sink in deep and acknowledge them. After awhile I can put them away, and remember my blessings again.

MichelleSG said...

It is a sad reality that you are doing what is right. Mom or not you are not god and somethings are just best left up to him. Have faith that you still love him and that does make a difference in this world. You can only do so much and that, I am sure, you have done.

Syd said...

Your post today made me think about how hard it must be to give birth and then watch the life unfold into a person that you love but who is flawed. A parent is forever connected to a child. Even though you won't see him today, just the fact that you love him and think of him has probably not escaped him at some deep level within.

Pam said...

coming by to say hi mi amiga.

dAAve said...

At least he's still got a chance.
Take care of yoself.

Scott W said...

I remember that day, too. Hard to believe it was so long ago.

Flying Lily said...

Praying for you and the family on a bittersweet occasion. My family has been so ripped up by addiction - it is a very hard thing to live around.