I just spoke with my son's father. I had not heard from Ryan for a couple of weeks and I was so afraid to call thinking the news would not be good. I was pleasantly surprised though. He is still living in the same little motel in town and has been working every day with his father. What a relief. I had thoughts of him being on the street or back with his enabling and using girlfriend. Imagine my happiness in hearing he is actually acting a bit normal.
Ryan really is a good guy. That is, when he is not abusing drugs and/or drinking. He regularly does both which is not good. But I feel better knowing he has a roof over his head, money in his pocket and food to eat.
I drove by his house last week to find a for sale sign out front and everything inside gone. You see, my son bought a really cute house about 3 miles from mine in the same little town 2 years ago. The problem was he only made about 6-7 mortgage payments and he just stopped. He lived there for a while after that off and on but has not been there in many months. The problem was he was and is addicted to pain pills and instead of paying his bills he decided to spend his money on booze and pills. It is very saddening to think that my firstborn could have lived so close to me and he just threw it all away. He stopped being the responsible person he had been. Therefore the house was seized by the leinholder and is now being sold. He didn't even care enough to get his belongings out of the house. So now all he has, literally, are the clothes on his back and what little bit he was able to take with him when he broke up with his girlfriend.
While I was at his house I picked up three pecans from the ground in front of his house. I simply put them in my pocket and thought of all the hopes and dreams that I had had for him. It was important to me that he live close. Now, don't get me wrong, I had no influence on him buying this particular house, it just happened to be close to mine. I had thought of the future and how my husband won't be around forever and that one day I would need my son to help me with things. You know how it is, little old ladies that have their boys come over and dig a hole or get the Christmas tree out of the attic. Not to mention the comfort of knowing that someone that loves you more than life itself can be there in a heartbeat.
Some of you know the situation with my son, some don't. I know that some of you also have similar situations that you are dealing with yourselves. I decided several months ago that I could no longer worry on a daily, hourly basis about Ryan. My husband and I did everything we knew of to help him. We offered help to deal with his drug and alcohol problem. We bailed him out of jail. We even paid some of his bills including his mortgage for a while. He always said thank you and all of that crap but he really never cared. All he cared about was his next "fix." His next "drink." At least the addict Ryan didn't care. The real and sober Ryan cares but it has been a very long time since I have seen that Ryan.
Finally I had had enough and turned it completely over to God. I pray for my son every night. I trust in God to watch over him and keep him safe. I find such comfort in knowing that He truly does watch over him. Whatever happens happens. I know that I have done everything humanly possible to help this child. But the addiction wins every time.
I plan on taking the three pecans I brought home and attempting to start a seedling. I want to plant that seedling next spring in my yard and watch it grow. I want so much more but I have to realize that I can only do what I can do. And that is to turn him over to God and watch, hopefully, a Paper Pecan tree grow.