I think my son has finally hit bottom. At least I hope he has. That might sound harsh to some folks but it is how I feel. He will not ever get better until he hits his bottom. Joe and I truly thought he would have become homeless way before yesterday but he had managed to sponge off of everyone he could until then.
My former mother-in-law called me yesterday evening to tell me that when my son's father took him home after a day of working, Ryan turned to his dad and said "I'm homeless." I can only assume his buddies kicked him out of their house for not paying his part of the rent. His dad took him back to his own house and called his mother. She asked me if I knew of a homeless shelter in our town to which I replied that I did not. I also said that I wished that his dad had just left him there and let him find his own way. That I do not see it as "our" job to find a place for him to lay his head that night. She agreed with me but went on to try and find a solution.
A while later Ryan called me on my cellphone. His first words were "So, you are done with me as your son?" to which I said "What?" It seems that his Granny got everything all twisted around. I assured him that I had not told her anything that I had not told him. That I loved him and that he needed help. That I did what I had to do last week and that I know that he doesn't know why. That is is not capable of knowing why but I hoped someday he will be able to understand. He went on to get angry and say some awful things so I told him again that I loved him and hung up the phone. The phone rang right back but I didn't answer it. I was NOT going to listen to that anymore. I then got the land line phone from Stephanie because I did not want her to have to deal with this shit. Joe came in the door and I told him what was going on. He took over the phones then but it never rang back.
It is so hard to see your own child as a addict. Ryan knows that he has a severe problem. He tried to make me feel bad by saying that last week, after I told him he couldn't come over for Christmas, he spent the rest of his bonus money from his job on pills. He said he didn't remember anything from Christmas Eve on. I said "well, that wasn't very smart was it?" Actually I didn't say that but I wish I had. What I did say was "Why are you telling me this if you don't want to hurt me." Of course I already knew the answer. He wants me to hurt as much as he is hurting inside. But I have already made a decision to protect myself. I think that is what he finds so hard to accept. I am not trying to "fix" him anymore. He can't be fixed by me, only by himself.