Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Son

I think my son has finally hit bottom. At least I hope he has. That might sound harsh to some folks but it is how I feel. He will not ever get better until he hits his bottom. Joe and I truly thought he would have become homeless way before yesterday but he had managed to sponge off of everyone he could until then.

My former mother-in-law called me yesterday evening to tell me that when my son's father took him home after a day of working, Ryan turned to his dad and said "I'm homeless." I can only assume his buddies kicked him out of their house for not paying his part of the rent. His dad took him back to his own house and called his mother. She asked me if I knew of a homeless shelter in our town to which I replied that I did not. I also said that I wished that his dad had just left him there and let him find his own way. That I do not see it as "our" job to find a place for him to lay his head that night. She agreed with me but went on to try and find a solution.

A while later Ryan called me on my cellphone. His first words were "So, you are done with me as your son?" to which I said "What?" It seems that his Granny got everything all twisted around. I assured him that I had not told her anything that I had not told him. That I loved him and that he needed help. That I did what I had to do last week and that I know that he doesn't know why. That is is not capable of knowing why but I hoped someday he will be able to understand. He went on to get angry and say some awful things so I told him again that I loved him and hung up the phone. The phone rang right back but I didn't answer it. I was NOT going to listen to that anymore. I then got the land line phone from Stephanie because I did not want her to have to deal with this shit. Joe came in the door and I told him what was going on. He took over the phones then but it never rang back.

It is so hard to see your own child as a addict. Ryan knows that he has a severe problem. He tried to make me feel bad by saying that last week, after I told him he couldn't come over for Christmas, he spent the rest of his bonus money from his job on pills. He said he didn't remember anything from Christmas Eve on. I said "well, that wasn't very smart was it?" Actually I didn't say that but I wish I had. What I did say was "Why are you telling me this if you don't want to hurt me." Of course I already knew the answer. He wants me to hurt as much as he is hurting inside. But I have already made a decision to protect myself. I think that is what he finds so hard to accept. I am not trying to "fix" him anymore. He can't be fixed by me, only by himself.

21 comments:

Bill said...

I liked this post, and I'm playing catch-up with your blog, so i read this one & the one about your dream.
Therefore, I linked the two in my head, and made your dream about your son. You are in a foreign land with his disease, and he will recover when he gets in that big tent with others that speak his language. I hope he does that. You are right, though, about the need for him to hit bottom. The solution for him is not a place to lay his head at night. He needs a program of recovery. I'm adding him to my prayers.

Scott W said...

Thank you for taking care of yourself. Remember that there is a solution. And there is hope.

MichelleSG said...

Good on ya woman, you did what needed to be done even though it sucked. I too hope he has hit rock bottom. He may not have, he may find another enabler but he is very very close. At least by a bystanders view. Time will tell!

Jen said...

River City Missions...we gave our nephew a card for them last week and said when you find you have no one else including us..call them. Sometimes you have to do tough love to get them back. I feel your pain and pray as I do for my nephew they see the light and come home for good.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you are not trying to fix him. He has to do that as you said. All you can do is tell him that you love him. I hope that he gets help.

Cat said...

I hope the new year holds change for him and his life - and I hope that the new year holds hope for you and your loved ones that change can happen.

A therapist I have been seeing about my 16 year old said to me, stop loving him until he grows up a bit, because my seeing him is different when it is all wrapped up in my undying love and devotion to him... I think it was good advice.

cat

janjanmom said...

Love Must Be Tough-great advice but also a really helpful book by James Dobson. I'm sure the local library has it.

Praying for him is doing something. God will be there for him when everyone else has their belly full. Don't allow your family to suck you in with false guilt. Enabling doesn't ever help.

J-Online said...

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Hopefully, this will be his bottom and he will ask for help. Prayers and Blessings. Jenn

hulagirlatheart said...

Oh Trailboss, I am so sorry for your pain. I am living that same pain with a loved one, and it is hard. You are doing the right thing, even though it hurts. I pray that he finds his way. Only he can do it. You can't fix him. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. The local Al-Anon chapter is a good one. If you're intested in information, just email me.

Lou said...

We have a group prayer tonight, I will include Ryan.

TB, it has been my experience when they get angry & say those hurtful things, they are very deep in the addiction. Just remember the drugs are talking.

Daniela said...

My heart goes out to you. I hope that this is his bottom. It will be a long road I'm sure. Hang in their kiddo. You're doing the right thing.

Femin Susan said...

Hi………
Absolutely fantastic post! Good job!
Great! Keep writing…….
Good week………
" A Happy New Year''

Dan and Betty Cooksey said...

TB, it's amazing how many people have to go through this. I wish there was another way, but there's not. You showed our son great love, but it may be a long time before he realizes that.

Take care of yourself and Joe.

Dan

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

I know how difficult it is to have to make decisions like this. Especially during the holidays-when the joy is supposed to be about family and friends. But making the decision to honor yourself and the rest of your family is very important for your son to see. It makes him angry and it hurts his feelings and maybe, just maybe it will start the niggling little feeling in him that HE needs to change.

It has taken over a year for my brother to stop blaming everyone around for why he started doing drugs, why he got into trouble and why he ended up in prison. Now he is finally able to say-"I really screwed up. I made poor decisions and now I have to do what I can to get my life back". It was ugly getting to that point. It was hard on all of us. I think in a way it was harder on us than on him, because we could see the damage and he could not. His memory of things are a bit hazy and contorted about how everything came to be, but is learning to hear us when we tell him that what he remembers is NOT how things were.

All you can do is continue to express your continuing love and concern for your son and stand your ground that his behavior is not acceptable. He will not hear you for quite some time but when he is ready he will hear you and seek your help for the right reasons or he will figure out what he needs to do for himself and come back to you and your family, if not the same person, at least a person who is healing and needs his family to complete the process. I have no doubt you and the rest of the family will be right there to give him all the support he needs.

Zanejabbers said...

Hang in there Lisa. You are doing the right thing. Tell Granma its fine to repeat what you say if she repeats what you say. We all know that story. God Bless you and yours.

Andrea said...

My heart goes out to you. It must be so hard to see someone you love go through that. And even harder to show tuff love and him not understand it. But he will eventually see, it will just take some time. And you are right, he is the only one who can do that.

Karen said...

I'm sorry for what your son is going through and for your pain, Lisa. I'll keep you and Ryan in my prayers.

Pam said...

Oh sweet SO.
I have been in your shoes and they hurt like a Mother F#&ker!
The last time I closed the door in my daughters face someone told me to remember that if I had the power to cure her I would have done so many years before that.
I guess the "ex" has to reach the same point as you did.
The sad part for me was always that my daughter (and son) didn't "get it". That the world really wasn't doing them wrong.
I'm so sorry - I really am. I know how painful it is.

Patty said...

Stay strong. Prayers to you and your son. Here's to a New Year.

fernvalley01 said...

Poor Mom!
I pray for you and your family in this difficult time and hope that he will recover and realise how much love you have for him to have taken this stand.Hugs to you.

Chef said...

Lisa, stay strong and resolute. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I can only imagine how painful it is to watch your own child go through this and not be able to relieve his pain, like you did when he was a child. You're right that he must hit rock bottom before he realizes that he must make the trip back to the top by himself. He has to know you'll be there when he does and that you're standing on the sidelines, rooting for him along the way. I wish Ryan the wisdom to acknowledge his problem and the strength to get help. I'm praying for you both.

Linda