I got some not so good news this evening. It seems that my son, Ryan, got kicked out of Lifeline Ministries. He was in charge of driving the van and taking fellow addicts to and from their jobs. Someone got ahold of a bottle of vodka and he and some others drank. His dad called Joe twice today to talk to him about it. Joe had the dreaded job of telling me tonight. I would like to say that I am surprised but really I'm not. I hate that too, but I think I would be unrealistic to think any other way. Now don't get me wrong. I am very disappointed. We were so very proud of the progress he had made. He was looking so good and acting like the Ryan we all know and love. But he is an addict. Addicts do what addicts do. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't mean that I am any less upset about it. I'm just not really surprised.
His dad was going to get him and let him stay at his house for a while. I don't know if that means a few hours, a few days or what. I called Kevin (his dad) and left a message to call me but I have not heard from him as of yet. I know that Kevin wants to help Ryan but you see I don't think that is the thing to do. I don't think that Ryan should be allowed a place to stay, food, access to TV, and all of that nonsense when he did something wrong. I think that he should have to take care of himself. Until he is made to be responsible for himself he will never get better. That might sound harsh but damnit it's true. He is an adult. He knows right from wrong. He is the only one that can control him.
I know that a lot of you guys have experience in this area. What are your thoughts?
14 comments:
Enabling, it's the weenie way out. The mature responsible adult does not knowingly enable. His dad may not be strong enough to say no though and use the excuse that he was doing so well to justify helping him. Let him know that if he does help Ryan he is being weak and selfish. No, Ryan is an adult and must learn about consequences. Lord knows he should have figured that one out by now but obviously not. I am so sorry that he was not able to keep himself dry in that program. Really very sorry.
Every one stumbles from time to time in recovery. The thing to determine is: Is this a slip-up or a return to addiction. AA meetings every day are a requirement-if he is doing that and it was a one-time stumble, love and support are the order of the day. If he is lying and scheming...it's over.
Addict have slips, what he does about his slips will determine the future of not only his long-term recovery but also his relationship with his family.
I hope he learns from this.
I'm sorry that this happened. I had hoped that Ryan would get it. He evidently doesn't yet.
boy howdy do i know about some of this. i know actual people that have been loved literally, to death. families thinking they were doing the right thing, helping over and over, treatment center after treatment centers.
are any of you guys in al-anon at all? you seem to have a good idea about this, most people aren't willing to go to al-anon b/c they view it as the alcoholic's problem. often many are resentful that the alcoholic has already taken so much from them why would they go to meetings.
as you know the disease makes everyone around it sick in ways that are not very tangible.
we can love people all day long but when in the throws of their disease, they are not the people we know them to be.
it's really simple, either he'll get it or he won't and the possibility exists that it may kill him.
i didn't get sober b/c i had the support of my family and good friends that took care of me. i hit bottom and had no where else to go.
we can go anywhere in this world where alcohol is and stay sober if we are in fit spiritual condition. based on the information you provided, he's not anywhere near ready. he may "want" to be ready but he's not.
i hope nothing i've written is offensive, i only mean it to help. i have taken quite a shine to you miss trailboss and i rarely get into my recovery life on line unless via email with people i trust.
we've had a recent bout with a family member, this person has been spinning their wheels and not once did i feel like i had the power to change any of it, and for me this is progress. all i can do is love the person.
Addicts use drugs and alcoholics drink. That's what we do. A day without using or drinking is a miracle.
Sometimes all we have left is hope and prayers for the one suffering, and for those who love them. I didn't get it the first few times around. It was painful. But I was one of the lucky ones and I am praying Ryan is too.
Oh I am so sorry Trailboss, I have no experience with any of this. I will keep you all in my prayers. I am so thankful no one got hurt.
darn. the play tough guy comes to my mind. you are doing that. my nephew fell off the wagon and we walked away. we new it would kill us...he spent 30 days in jail and it changed him...so far....we will see.
I will say a prayer for you two.
Relapse is part of the disease. That's why they call it one day at a time.
But Kevin needs to put a time limit on how long Ryan stays, and enforce it. Is it 24 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks?
An addict will ALWAYS abuse an open ended proposition such as "until you get a job", "until you get on your feet", "until you can get help" etc.
If you have to go out to your car today, and cry..that does not make you weak, just human.
Relapse can be part of the disease, but it doesn't have to be. Just want to say that.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have any experience in this area, but I will keep praying for Ryan and you, too. I read your next post, and I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself. I'm sure it still hurts like crazy, but you're staying strong and you know what to do. Hang in there.
I am so sorry about this. I am learning in Al-Anon that it's not my place to give advice here. That what is right for me in this situation might not be the answer for you. I will pray for wisdom and strength for you.
However, I have also learned that we can love someone to death with our enabling and that only Rayan can make himself well. It is his choice, his path. You are right in realizing his recovery is up to him and that we must each face the consequences of our own decisions and actions.
Ahh girl, I wish there was a set way to do things. Everyone here means well from a good heart position.
With my kids, I just had to fly by the seat of my pants. I did what I thought was the right thing to do on THAT particular day. Stuff written in stone....does not work in my family.
My daughter...MS. SoberPants has lived with my Mother since she was 20. She is now 27. The enabling love of my mother is what finally helped her. The "knowing" she could go home and try again and again. She would not be sober today if my Mother had not opened her arms after every single relapse.
Now I (the mother) just could not do that anymore. But MY mother could.
I guess my point here is that there is no set way for a family to handle it's addict. I think most of us Moms would have been MORE than happy for a rule book. I certainly would have followed it. But each family does what it can "live with".
I think Ryan has an excellent chance to get this deal. He has the "strong tuff ones" in his family and the "soft mushy ones" too. He will be able to draw his own strength from both sides.
There is no reason in the world that will stop Ryan when HE is ready. Tuff or Mushy won't make any difference at all.
Motherhood is so very overrated.
You asked, "What are (my) thoughts?"
My thoughts are simple...just what YOU Ms Trailboss, wrote...re: Ryan and Kevin.
I wondering how in heck I have not been to your blog for a long time (I think)...well, I'm back, even signed up as a bona fide official "follower" whatever the h that all means, I still cannot figure it out.
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