but it is always necessary.
I wrote yesterday that Ryan had jail time this weekend as a result of his recent DUI. He called about 8:30pm from his dad's house where he was staying tonight. He said he has decided he was going to join the Navy. He had been thinking of it for a while and he really thought it would be a good thing for him in a lot of ways. He would have a job and get $20k after boot camp, or so he said. I asked him if he had talked with a recruiter yet and he said no. I said that I thought joining the military could be a good option for him in a lot of ways. It would get him out of Paducah, provide a job, give structure and stability (somewhat anyway) to his life. He commented that his Granddad and his family would be proud.
I asked him if he was through with all of the jail stuff after today and he said not really. He said he still have 30 days of house arrest but that he doesn't know how he is going to do that because he has no where to live. I suggested he contact the courthouse and discuss it with them to see what options he has, if any. He then asked if he could come and stay with us for a few days. I told him no. He got really quiet then. I told Ryan that we have helped him so many times and that it was time he helped himself. He told me that he would never kick his son out on the street. I told him that I was not kicking him onto the street that HE was the one that made that decision. I told him that I hoped that he understood and he said that he didn't and he never would. He then said that he has nothing to live for and that he just wished the Lord would take him right now. At that point I got upset and hollered for Joe to take the phone. Ryan hung up before Joe could get to it.
Joe took his cellphone outside and tried to call him back but when Ryan heard his voice he hung up on him. I went outside and told Joe what had happened and to not call him back. I also told Joe that if he calls back I am not going to talk to him.
My blood pressure has been very high for the past 1 1/2 weeks and tonight didn't help. The sad part is that Ryan stayed with us for 3 days and nights this week and he knew it was up but that didn't stop him from making his problem all about being my fault and upsetting me. Selfish I tell you. I know it is the addict talking but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It surely doesn't put the pieces that he broke off back where they belong.
I imagine it will be a long time before I hear from him again and you know what? That is fine with me. If he is going to continue to upset me and push his pitiful ways into my life then I say I don't need it. Don't get me wrong folks............I love this child with every fiber of my being. I would give my life for him in an instant. But until he reaches the point where every addict does and starts helping himself there is nothing I can do. If he wants me to drive him to an AA meeting every night for 90 days I'm there. But until then I come first. Because when he finally is a sober man he will still have a mama here to celebrate with him.