Saturday, July 11, 2009

It never gets easier

but it is always necessary.

I wrote yesterday that Ryan had jail time this weekend as a result of his recent DUI. He called about 8:30pm from his dad's house where he was staying tonight. He said he has decided he was going to join the Navy. He had been thinking of it for a while and he really thought it would be a good thing for him in a lot of ways. He would have a job and get $20k after boot camp, or so he said. I asked him if he had talked with a recruiter yet and he said no. I said that I thought joining the military could be a good option for him in a lot of ways. It would get him out of Paducah, provide a job, give structure and stability (somewhat anyway) to his life. He commented that his Granddad and his family would be proud.

I asked him if he was through with all of the jail stuff after today and he said not really. He said he still have 30 days of house arrest but that he doesn't know how he is going to do that because he has no where to live. I suggested he contact the courthouse and discuss it with them to see what options he has, if any. He then asked if he could come and stay with us for a few days. I told him no. He got really quiet then. I told Ryan that we have helped him so many times and that it was time he helped himself. He told me that he would never kick his son out on the street. I told him that I was not kicking him onto the street that HE was the one that made that decision. I told him that I hoped that he understood and he said that he didn't and he never would. He then said that he has nothing to live for and that he just wished the Lord would take him right now. At that point I got upset and hollered for Joe to take the phone. Ryan hung up before Joe could get to it.

Joe took his cellphone outside and tried to call him back but when Ryan heard his voice he hung up on him. I went outside and told Joe what had happened and to not call him back. I also told Joe that if he calls back I am not going to talk to him.

My blood pressure has been very high for the past 1 1/2 weeks and tonight didn't help. The sad part is that Ryan stayed with us for 3 days and nights this week and he knew it was up but that didn't stop him from making his problem all about being my fault and upsetting me. Selfish I tell you. I know it is the addict talking but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. It surely doesn't put the pieces that he broke off back where they belong.

I imagine it will be a long time before I hear from him again and you know what? That is fine with me. If he is going to continue to upset me and push his pitiful ways into my life then I say I don't need it. Don't get me wrong folks............I love this child with every fiber of my being. I would give my life for him in an instant. But until he reaches the point where every addict does and starts helping himself there is nothing I can do. If he wants me to drive him to an AA meeting every night for 90 days I'm there. But until then I come first. Because when he finally is a sober man he will still have a mama here to celebrate with him.


fernvalley01 said...

Hugs to you dear Lady!! what strength you have. You are doing the right thing , until he learns to be his own safety net ,there will be no point in providing him with one. So hard for you as his mom! Will keep you all in my prayers

Dusty Devoe said...

I admire you so. Tough love is a hard thing. Hang in there, and take care of yourself. HUGS.

Paint Girl said...

Hang in there TB! I think you are doing what you need to do. Stay strong.
I hope Ryan will be ok and that he will realize you are doing this for him, and that you are not against him.
I'll keep Ryan, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

Gin said...

You are doing the right thing. Addicts will try to manipulate you until the very end! You are spot on doing him a favor. I know he doesn't see it that way, they never do, but you could be saving his life by making him live it himself and face the consequences of his actions - not yours! Keep the focus on you which is where it should be! Thinking of you and sending you well wishes!

Lou said...

I have had that guilt card played on me many times. Unlike you, I fell for it, and I know now I did no favors.
I really admire your strength TB. People do pull themselves up when they are ready..Ryan still wants someone to pull for him.

dAAve said...

I know it's gotta be tough.
The selfishness of addiction is amazing. We (alcoholics) rarely realize the damage we do to those we love, unless we are part of the fortunate few who are blessed with recovery.
Take care of yourself.

Scott W said...

I forgot to mention last night he can go to a half-way house and live there for 30 days or longer. There are solutions. He just wants others to do it for him.

I am sure Kevin knows all this, but is he sober enough to help?

Trailboss said...

Kevin is himself an alcoholic and is still drinking. Ryan told me that 2 weeks ago they were over in Illinois when Kevin asked him to hand him that bottle in the back seat. Ryan looked and held up a bottle of vodka. He said "is this it?" Kevin said that he needed a shot and took one while he was driving. He can't help Ryan. He won't even help himself.

hulagirlatheart said...

Not enabling an addict that you love is SO hard. The shoes you're walking in are heartbreaking, but you must take care of yourself. Big hugs and prayers coming your way!

Syd said...

TB, I'm glad that you are keeping the focus on you and not on Ryan. It is good to take care of yourself and not fall for the manipulations of addicts/alcoholics. You are a wise lady.

Anonymous said...

it sounds like you did the right thing for you.

you can safely say that when this disease has people by the throat, they are no longer who we know them to be. it helps me to look at it like that so that i can protect myself from their disease.

it's hard and of course you love your child, but as i said his disease is who he is right now.

Chef ·˙ ۛ ♥ said...

You did the right thing. You are so brave. It's very hard to say no to your child who you love so much. But at the end of the day, hopefully, it will have been worth it. I pray that Ryan recovers. Only then will he see that you had done right by him. Stay strong and take care of your health.

Linda and Chef