Lou posted today about a bad moon and I have to agree with her. My nerves have been on edge for a while now. I have been trying very hard to work on keeping my mouth shut when it needs to be. Thinking of others feelings and just how I sound to them when I get in my 'moods'. After all, it is always easier to hurt the ones that we love the most. It is human nature. And I don't like it.
I talked to Ryan last night on the phone. He didn't really have much to say except that he wanted to come out to our house this weekend. He didn't say anything about why he didn't turn himself into the jail Monday except to say that he is definitely going to do it this Monday. Sounds like a cop out to me. Needless to say, this did not make me happy. It made me sad. Sad because even though Ryan has been sober for 7 weeks, he is no where close to being sober. He has not attended a single meeting even though his dad has been to a few. That of course is his decision. I can't do it for him. When I told him that Joe and I would talk about him coming out and get back to him he didn't like that. He wanted an answer right away. He didn't understand why I have to talk to Joe about it. I don't have to talk to Joe, I prefer to talk to Joe. I told him that we always discuss things like this. He was starting to whine and act like he has for so many years. This was very upsetting to me because it showed that he is still acting the same way. He has not done a thing to help himself. He has so much work to do and he isn't doing any of it.
I told Joe about the conversation afterwards and he didn't offer an opinion, just listened and understood which was exactly what I needed him to do. Ryan seems to think that Joe is the bad guy and influencing me in decisions that I have made regarding him. Nothing could be furthur from the truth. I am protecting myself. I am watching out for me and my mental health. He will never understand that until he gets the help that he needs.
So, as it stands today, I will not let him come out and spend the weekend with us. I plan on taking him to lunch this weekend and spending time with him. It isn't what he wants but let's face it...............this is not about what he wants.
As usual, last night as my head hit the pillow I turned it all over to God. We'll see what He has to say about it.