Most of you guys know about my son Ryan's problems. He recently had to leave the Lifeline Ministries program because he drank while out taking others to and from their jobs. He stayed with his dad for a while until Joe talked to one of our neighbors who needed someone to help him remove all of the debris from his 2 farms. Ryan was just the one for the job. He was staying at our house rent free while he worked and saved his money. We were more than happy to help him since it seemed that he was really trying to better himself and to stay sober.
Things were working out fine until Monday night. It seems that Ryan was watching the NCAA final game and also listening to his sister's IPod. He doesn't know what happened or why he did what he did next. He went into the kitchen and found a bottle of liquor in the cabinet and started drinking.
I noticed the next morning his truck wasn't in the driveway and I couldn't imagine what in the world could have happened. He told me that he parked it right next to our white truck. Later on that morning Joe and Stephanie were leaving to come into town and they saw the truck. It was just down the road on a gravel road in the ditch stuck. They drove down to our neighbor's house where Ryan was working to make sure he was there. Joe attempted to ask him about it and he said they would talk about it later. He didn't want Stephanie to hear what had happened.
Apparently well into his drinking binge, he decided he wanted to go outside and listen to music. Then he decided to listen to music in his truck. Then he decided to start the truck. And for some stupid reason he made the decision to drive. He drove around the neighborhood and down Kansas Rd (the gravel road) and ran into the ditch. He said that he doesn't even really remember it. I can't imagine would could have happened if he had not gotten stuck.
We sat him down last night to find out what exactly happened. Of course he couldn't tell us why he did what he did because he is an untreated addict/alcoholic. It was more than his actions that night though. I had not seen the drive in him to make himself better. I have preached AA to him for years but he keeps avoiding it. I do realize that it is incredibly hard to walk through those doors for the first time. I really do. But I also know that he does not have to do this alone and that is what he is trying to do. Guess what....it's not working. He was quick to tell me that he doesn't need a 12 step program. I said "I think it would have been a good thing to have a sponsor to call before you took that first drink." I told him that he didn't have to go through this alone. But he didn't hear me. He only heard his stepfather tell him to get his stuff and leave. It hurt so much to hear those words but I knew it was all that we could do. We can't help him. Only he can help himself.
Joe didn't think that he showed any remorse for what he did. I didn't really see what I wanted to see but he did apologize to us. He gathered his stuff and gave me and his sister a hug, told me and Joe that he loved us and walked out of the door. He said he was going to his dad's house. I assume that is what he did. When he walked out of that door a piece of my heart went with him. My heart has hurt so much over the years it is getting tired. I yearn for it to be filled with joy again. To see Ryan doing well and living life not just existing in it.
I pray every night for everyone I love but especially for Ryan. I am thankful that God has watched over him over the years. He has a long way to go and a lot to learn. One day at a time.