Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year

It might just be a happy one for me and my family. I just hung up from talking to Ryan. He has made a decision that could effect his entire future. He is going to a Christan place for men with alcohol and drug problems. It is a place he has been before but left way too early for the program to work. I wish I could say it is a 12 step program but it isn't. But it is better than the alternative which is homeless, dirty, cold, hungry and messed up out of your mind.

This is a miracle for me. I didn't know what was going to happen to him. I was afraid of what it might be. This is great news. He told me that he is tired of feeling like he does, of not having a drive in life, no purpose. He wants to put everything behind him and become the man that God made him.

Time will tell. And I will keep you posted.

Trying to find one

An AlAnon meeting that is. There are none in the town about 15 miles to the south. There are 4 per week in the town I work in. There are no AlAteen (not sure that is correct spelling) in the area which bothers me since I have a 17yr old daughter that would benefit from it.

I emailed So and he looked but came up with the same information. How is it in an area of 60k people there are so few meetings? And all of them are in the same building. I asked So if he thought I would benefit from online meetings and he said what I knew he would and that was there is nothing like a face to face. I agree. Plus I want to make friends so I have someone to call who is going through or has already gone through what myself and Stephanie are.

Do AlAnon people read the same Big Book as AA members? You can tell I am very lost and uninformed about this subject.

I will look online to see what I can find. Meanwhile, if anyone knows of a meeting I would benefit from in Paducah, Ky please let me know.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Son

I think my son has finally hit bottom. At least I hope he has. That might sound harsh to some folks but it is how I feel. He will not ever get better until he hits his bottom. Joe and I truly thought he would have become homeless way before yesterday but he had managed to sponge off of everyone he could until then.

My former mother-in-law called me yesterday evening to tell me that when my son's father took him home after a day of working, Ryan turned to his dad and said "I'm homeless." I can only assume his buddies kicked him out of their house for not paying his part of the rent. His dad took him back to his own house and called his mother. She asked me if I knew of a homeless shelter in our town to which I replied that I did not. I also said that I wished that his dad had just left him there and let him find his own way. That I do not see it as "our" job to find a place for him to lay his head that night. She agreed with me but went on to try and find a solution.

A while later Ryan called me on my cellphone. His first words were "So, you are done with me as your son?" to which I said "What?" It seems that his Granny got everything all twisted around. I assured him that I had not told her anything that I had not told him. That I loved him and that he needed help. That I did what I had to do last week and that I know that he doesn't know why. That is is not capable of knowing why but I hoped someday he will be able to understand. He went on to get angry and say some awful things so I told him again that I loved him and hung up the phone. The phone rang right back but I didn't answer it. I was NOT going to listen to that anymore. I then got the land line phone from Stephanie because I did not want her to have to deal with this shit. Joe came in the door and I told him what was going on. He took over the phones then but it never rang back.

It is so hard to see your own child as a addict. Ryan knows that he has a severe problem. He tried to make me feel bad by saying that last week, after I told him he couldn't come over for Christmas, he spent the rest of his bonus money from his job on pills. He said he didn't remember anything from Christmas Eve on. I said "well, that wasn't very smart was it?" Actually I didn't say that but I wish I had. What I did say was "Why are you telling me this if you don't want to hurt me." Of course I already knew the answer. He wants me to hurt as much as he is hurting inside. But I have already made a decision to protect myself. I think that is what he finds so hard to accept. I am not trying to "fix" him anymore. He can't be fixed by me, only by himself.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Saturday night dream

I don't know why some people remember their dreams and others don't. I happen to be one of the former and remember most of mine and let me tell you, sometimes they are real gems. Like the one I had this past Saturday night.

I dreamed I was in the military. The mission I was assigned to was one of protecting the people of a small, underdeveloped country. The people lived wherever they could. They would take over old buildings that had once been businesses and homes. And they were so resourceful! I was so impressed at how they could make do with whatever life threw their way. They were just happy to be alive and have their families with them. They were very protective and private as well.

The unit I was assigned to had to walk up and down several roads in this community and find the citizens in which to protect, but they didn't want to be protected. They just wanted us to leave them alone. But we were forced to go into their homes and businesses and make sure everything was being done correctly. The thing was though, we did not know the best way things should have been done. It was all so foreign to us.

Then, at the last part of the dream everyone suddenly was inside what seemed like a huge circus tent/city. There everyone knew each other and spoke the same language and basically felt right at home. That was where the dream ended.

It made me pause and think that perhaps that is a bit like the peoples in Afghanistan and Iraq. What if that is how they all felt. Our troops are there and in ways a part of their lives. We hear all kinds of stuff on the internet and TV about how we are not wanted, etc. Maybe we aren't. Maybe they just want to be left alone to run their own country. After all, can you imagine for one second how the United States would react to a foreign country coming to this country and trying to tell us how we should govern our own people? Something tells me they would be run out of our country on a rail.

I am not trying to write a political post or push any beliefs I have on anyone, I am purely stating the odd dream I had and how it made me think. Comment if you wish, or not.

UGH, Monday

Actually I didn't mind too much coming to work today. It is a beautiful morning full of sunshine and not too chilly temperatures. I have a little bit of work to do, better than Friday when I was bored out of my mind.

My farrier finally came yesterday. The horses didn't get new shoes, I decided to keep them barefoot this winter since they are not being ridden. No need to spend that extra money and all. My mare did really well. She always has to be sedated and was this time but he used a different kind of drug where she would relax but still know what was going on. We needed to do this to try and work her out of her fears of having her feet picked up. I would imagine the fact that he didn't actually have to beat nails into her feet helped a bit. I know it would if it were me. That being said I imagine she would have preferred to have a pair of these


What girl wouldn't right?


Very funny Mom.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I almost forgot

Stephanie didn't get an engagement ring for Christmas. Just as well as far as I'm concerned. She did however get a nice necklace from Greg. It is an 18k gold necklace with a cross. It is very delicate and pretty.

She had a good time at Greg's Friday. It's nice that she feels at home there just like Greg does here.

Someone said I was silly

but I have no idea why. I received what I wanted for Christmas from Stephanie.


Why, whatever can it be?


Oh look! It's a bra. Note Abby's eyes.....she is probably wondering what kind of toy that is!


Let's see if it fits.


Yeppers....a perfect fit. I don't normally post pictures of myself because I don't like it but these I felt I had to share. Steph said that was the silliest I have ever acted on Christmas.

Girls just like to have fun. Right?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Random pictures

I love pictures, did you guys know that? Here are some goodies.






Sorry, I should have cropped that picture just a little more on the left! But you can see what they are doing. Talking to Amy and as Abby says it "my babies." She really enjoys that.

She enjoys Sophie too.


Hi Grandmother! **sigh** I love being a Grandmother. Who'd have ever thought?

Don't know yet So

So emailed me this morning to spill the beans. That is to spill beans related to if Steph received an engagement ring or not. I haven't talked with her yet and something tells me that if she had received one her momma would have received a call. But then, you never know.

I am truly bored at work. There is nothing at all to do. I did cover for a guy while he ate lunch so I was able to work a bit but now that I am back in my office there is nothing. I guess I will just get caught up on what is going on in the world via Yahoo.

It is a rainy foggy day in Western Kentucky today. A good day for napping but I am not a nap person. Damn, I am bored huh? I'm writing about things I don't do.

My horses still have not been shod. I have got to get ahold of my farrier and get his butt to the house. Dakota has lost 2 shoes already. It's a good thing they are wallowing in the mud and not on hard ground.

Well, I'm off to peruse the internet. Wish me luck!


I am at work today and I can't figure out why except my place of employment required it. We have nothing to do but I get paid so that is cool w/me. I was about ready to come back anyway.


Isn't that a sweet picture? That is a young man who is not afraid to show affection. He loves my daughter so much and look. It shows doesn't it? Steph got him a really neat shirt custom made just for him. It has Greg & Stephanie on the front and a picture of both of them on the back along with an I love you. Here he is opening it.



I think he kinda liked it.


He's a sweet boy and we are very fond of him. Mostly because he treats Stephanie so well. Plus she kinda likes him a little bit. Today is their "anniversary." They have been dating 1 year today. I hear tell he is going to give her something that is in a small box and might fit on a finger. We shall see.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Eve Fun

Despite not having my son here last night we had a grand time. It started with Stephanie having some fun with her niece aka my precious.





I love this picture. It is my two favorite ornaments of all time. So gave me the carriage on the left when Ryan was born, dated 1981. The heart shaped one with the cradle is Steph's, dated 1991.


Santa and Greg started getting supper on the table.



Looks like a little elf didn't like whatever she had in her mouth!


After a dinner of ham sandwiches and chips we gathered in the living room to open presents.

Naturally Abby went first since she was just about to burst with anticipation!


It was a dinasour purse wrapped in an empty tea box but the funny thing was that she wanted to know where the tea was!


Then she just started tearing into every present. Don't you love it when kids do that?



But she did get in some thank yous and some precious smiles.






I couldn't decide from the close-ups which was my favorite so I posted all of them!

This present was from Dakota and Jones and I think it was her favorite! She exclaimed "I have always wanted these!"



Isn't that how it always is though? The little $2 present is their favorite! After she finished opening the gifts she just had to put on her heels. I couldn't stop taking pictures of her!


She wasn't used to them and kept almost falling. I asked her momma if her insurance was paid because we might have a broken ankle! She had to go to the bathroom and as she walked off her pants started slipping down and between that and the pink heels we just about died laughing.



What great medicine it was for us all. Laughter and family all around. I did miss my son greatly but the laughter and love from the family helped smooth it over. Joe asked me early in the evening if I wanted him to cancel the party and I said "NO! That is just what I need, to have Abby here opening her presents." And it was. I fell asleep with my pups and slept well. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. For that I will always be grateful.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of my friends.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I feel so bad

but I know I did the right thing. I had to do it for me and my family. I had to call my son and tell him that he could not come to the family Christmas celebration tonight. When Amy and her family were in town the early part of December, and he came out, he was so messed up that Amy was afraid for him to hold the girls for fear he might drop one accidentally. Beth didn't want Abby around him and frankly I didn't want to be around him. I had to make the single most difficult decision in my life, to call my only son and tell him that he would not be able to come.

I have never been apart from him on Christmas before. But then, I never had spend Thanksgiving away from him and I did this year. That was because he didn't call us until 1:45pm the afternoon of Thanksgiving though.

I told Ryan that I was afraid that he would come to the house and pop a bunch of pills and that I didn't want his sister around it and I damned sure didn't want Abby around it.

But why do I feel so badly? It was his choice to take pills last time and it is his choice to continue to take them. I had to do what I had to do for my family.

Please pray for my baby.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Peeking Games

My precious decided to play the peeking game with me last night at dinner.





Gotta have a drink Grandmother!





Someone I know is a goofball!


AND a ham!


I don't know Mom.....all I did was share with her and she started, well, started acting like that!


No problem are a good aunt!


You sure about that Mom?

Yes are just still a bit tipsy from your surgery.